My lover is working in acting

The story you will read is told by an actress who fell in love with her colleague - an actor and lost in a love triangle among her, her "boyfriend", and another girl who her boyfriend loves. This story is also told by the side of another guy, who met the actress after she broke her ex-boyfriend up. This story is pretty complex, hope you guys read the story attentively. 
Many thanks!

Hanoi, 27 March 2011

1. I was an actor
When I was a little girl, my father had a camera, I had a passion for expressing myself front his camera. I never thought I would have to lose many things, many relations to pursue that passion. In the world of the "Saturday Art", I needed many efforts to scramble for a position; especially when my father only was an anonymous cameraman, be anonymous in his whole life, he was not a really good cameraman. 

My first role was cast when I was studying the first year in the University of Theatre and Cinema, a five-episode TV series. It was a supporting role and extremely faint, just some dialogue scenes. I did not understand why the director cast me for a role which was not suitable for my immature face. I tried my best to act so well, tried to make spectators had to remember me, although I just appeared in several minutes.

I practiced for the dialogues in front the mirror, repeated them many times, even though I was only a supporting character. That was my efforts! When I started acting, the director exclaimed "Cut" repeatedly, requested me to act again and again countless times. Many eyes looked at me depressedly seemed to blame me: "Everything is your fault!". I only wanted to cry out. Then scenes were completed when I acted without spirit, acted with the weariness. The director said "OK, good", laughed, then allowed everyone to rest. He talked only one speech that made me seemed to be numb: "Yeah, good job!"

What the heck was that? To be accepted when acted like a fool, but to be hated when acted with the best spirit? The whole of that night, I cried and thought about the happenings at the studio. I did not understand anything. My dad asked me, I told him everything, he smiled and gave me a saying that I had remembered until now: "The supporting role could not be more outstanding than the leading role". Ahhh! That was the reason. I smirked. If everyone was vapid, you had to be vapid too. 

Day by day, the time spent on the school day was shortened, the supporting roles also came to me that made me bitter. My thirsty for the dedication was decreased and my passion of acting was also dying. I thought after I graduated, I would still be like my father. One day, I loved my colleague, he was older than me several years old and graduated before me. He played some leading roles in some TV dramas, but those films did not succeed much. He was just a bolt of an obsolete machine. 

He looked quite swell. Because of his good-looking appearance, he was also a model for a famous fashion branch. I loved him during nearly a half year, then discovered he had a second girlfriend. Their relationship was public and despite all, which scared me. I wasted several weeks for crying, then I comforted myself that was natural with a man, especially he was an actor. When he took the initiative to meet me and told me that I should not meet him usually anymore and only came if he called me, I was really shocked. If I met surprised happenings, I would often try to control my feelings and try not to react. I was afraid the overreaction would lead to the worst mistake, therefore, I was totally quiet, did not protested, but did not accept.

Two weeks after that, he introduced his new "girlfriend" to the whole crew which we were participating together in a public way, as if I was dead or was not there. He told that girl that I was his best friend on that team. That night, I went home, I cried. Cried again? Could I only cry? 11p.m, he called me and told me he wanted to see me, he also told me he was waiting for me out at the gate. I looked down from my room, I saw him there. I walked step by step heavily, then opened the gate. He suddenly held my hands, pulled me to his side, hugged me tightly, then started crying: "I am sorry, I am sorry,...". He repeated that more than ten times, meanwhile I fell to his side like a dry wood. 

- "Do not say sorry anymore. What are you saying sorry for? We are best friends, remember?" (My sarcasm)
- "I am sorry. But you love me, don't you?"
- "Does it make sense when you just regard me as your friend?" (I continued to say sarcastically)
- "Please, let understand my situation! If you love me, please accept what I did! Can you please regard it as a role?"

I was dizzy, I could not believe he - the man I loved - came to say apologies to me, in fact, he just intended despicable things. I thought he repented and came back to me entirely, belonged to me perfectly. But not, he just came to tell me that we were actress and actor, that I should be with him to play a play. I wished I had cried out loud that moment.

- "Let me see your script? Should I practice before acting?"
- "You agree so fast. How can you act very well? You know you do not have acting talent like me, right?" (He laughed).

My heart seemed to be muffled. I never hated my job like I did at that time. If I had been an actress, he would not have any reason to embroil me into that tragic role. If you love an actor, you have to be his co-actress in a perfect teamwork. Even though the man you love is dallying another girl, you have to regard as he is acting with that actress with the spirit of "colleagues who understand each other". I and my "boyfriend" just were actor and actress who loved our job.

- "Can I stay at your home tonight? I think I need to explain, you want to hear me, right?" (He asked me)

He caressed my bare shoulders, held few of my hairs in his mouth; while I was wondering about his says before. Then I turned around, had a face-to-face query with him: 

- "But I want to know why?"
- "Something you should not know that is better to you, you should believe me."
- "I should believe you even when you are having someone else, meanwhile I am just your "best friend"?"
- "No worry, I never want to lose you. "Best friend" is just nominal. I fact I love only you."
- "But why? Why do we have to pretend to everyone that we are not lovers of each other meanwhile in fact we are? What do you need from Linh (his "new girlfriend")? What she has which I do not have? Why is she your girlfriend but not me?"
- "You are too naive. Everyone there is our spectator. In their eyes, Linh is my girlfriend, I and she are just acting together. Remember, only you are real."
- "But why not I and you act together? Why is she?"
- "Do you want only act? Let her do that instead of you do! You just need to know, in fact, you are my girlfriend. That is enough!"

Maybe I loved him too much, therefore I accepted and tolerated everything after that night, although there were many mysteries I did not know about him. I accepted to smile when looking at his love for that girl. I was an actress, so I had not to be jealous when my boyfriend acting with the another girl. As his best friend, he stayed at my home all seven days of every week, but he only came to me after 11 p.m because he had to spend his remaining time with that holy girl. Although lied side by side to him, I still wanted to ask him more in many times. But I remembered that I accept his job feature, there was nothing to ask anymore.

Two months later after the day that I decided to play a role as his best friend, I thought Linh realized the dubious thing of the relationship between me and him. She hung around the studio usually, watched when we were doing our job. With a beaming smile like "the sun of the fall", but her eyes seemed to contain full of hate. She approached me with her sweet and gentle voice of a girl with a good family education. But I knew there was a crazy storm in her mind.

One sudden day, she invited me to drink tea in a tea restaurant. I felt so strange but still agreed to see her. In my mind, I always despised Linh. First, she as a puppet in our threesome game which I was a reliable ally of my boyfriend. Another reason for my contempt for her is that I hated her stupid style like a doll in a glass cabinet. I met her in a traditional tea restaurant in the old quarter, I thought the girl who was opposite to me seemed to represent the stupidity and antiquity. The place she chose was the characteristic of the traditional education. The traditional solemn atmosphere made me breathless, following that was the smell of black tea.

Suddenly, Linh held my hands, which made me startled, there were many thoughts appeared in my mind. Did she realize the relationship between me and him? Did it mean she was smarter? Was she conjuring me to break my boyfriend up? Or she wanted anything else from me, didn't she? Did she want an exchange? I suddenly scared when I faced to her - a girl who I always presumed to be a paper doll. 

Then her tears started dripping down hastily. Her lips tightened as if to be bled herself. 

2. My girlfriend was an actress
She had many mysterious things which I could not understand. I was not her, I could not understand the things that only an actress could understand. 

- "Do you live like you used to live?"
- "Do you love like you used to love?"

When I first fell in love, I asked her like that. In a very cold winter, I saw her huddled herself up in a corner of a coffee shop. Her answer was the loneliness and her wet eyes of tears: "I will not live like I used to live because I was hurt. I will also not love like I used to love because I can not love anymore". I want to save her from that huge cold ice sheet which was covered her fragile heart; however, that seemed to beyond my ability. I was just a stranger to her who clung to her life without seeing anything. In the luxury and famousness of her position, was there any change for me, meanwhile her heart seemed to already close? I knew she had a psychological wound deeply when the man she loved got married to another woman. I did not only know she hated herself because she had to trade off a lot of things to get that position, but also I knew the horrible period which her heart ached every time she remembered. I just hoped that there was a light at the endpoint of the tunnel in her life. Was me!

I still remembered the day I met her that was a colder đây than normal of a foggy December. She was curling and crying in a hidden corner of a café located in the Old Quarter. Poor her! I shot that moment of her in thật posture. Suddenly I felt I was too selfish. Why could I take the advantage of this girl to make my work? Then I approached her, asked if she was OK and other questions which I often asked when I met the pitiful situations like that. She kept silence to me, did not talk even a half word. We kept silence like that in an hour. I tried to approached her one more time asked her if she wanted to go out to eat some noodles with me. She suddenly stopped crying, gave me a smile as a fairy, then stood up, held my hand, and agreed to go with me. I could not believe a fit body girl like her could eat three medium side bowls of noodles. I could not eat anything, just looked at her and laugh meanwhile she did not care about my emotion much. We met other with a surprised way like that! We gave love to each other slowly and I did not remember when it was.

3. The last script 
"I am pregnant" - Linh's voice seemed to be chocked and hardened. The cup of tea on my hand fell to the floor, hot tea spilled all over. 

- "Two months. What I have to do next? The baby was his child. I did still not tell him to know. You are his best friend, so please advise me!"

Those nervous eyes let me know she did not lie me. But the words "best friend" like thousands of knives stabbed into my heart. Why I was so hurt? I was stunned, the man who was at my side all seven nights "planted a sprout" into the womb of another girl. How could he be so hungry for sex? I did not know what to say and to do at that time. Or maybe continue to be silent?

- "Linh, did you see the hospital? Are you sure?"
Then She nodded
- "Do you want to keep the baby?"

I did not know why I say that. Linh was bitter and swallowed her tears into her heart, then lowered her face and said nothing. How could I advise a mother to kill her child? How I could for my own selfishness that harmed the baby? Anyway, the baby was his son, the son of the man I had loved so much. 

I quietly stood up, picked Linh to her home. Although I seemed to have a storm inside, I still advised her to keep calm. I called him, on a chilly winter day, told him that his girlfriend was pregnant, and she did not want to break the pregnancy, the baby was his son,... I tried to keep my voice low and calm, and also an artificial manner. He screamed on the phone that made I thought I heard wrong: "Awesome!". The phone fell to the flour, I was scared. Curling in a café located in a quiet corner of the Old Quarter, I was puzzled and thinking. Crying and screaming in my soul. "Awesome!". I was dissecting that happiness in my mind. I realized that he would marry her. That was the ultimate goal for his future and career, trying to stick to a reputable woman, not a prostitute who was an actress like me. Although the role of me and him won the Oscars, ... I stood up and smiled, a bitter smile. There was a stranger asking me something. I was silent for a long time. Then he asked me again: "Would you like to go out to eat some noodles with me? Seemed you to have to past something unhappy. Luckily, today is so cold. Noodles will warm your heart and stomach. I invite!". And so we got together, then we loved each other. He was a photographer. Very good right?

I did not hide, I just did not want to face the past. He married Linh and had not contacted me since that day. I was into work.

"I hate you, I leave our love out,
  I hate you, I become emotionless."

Someone said all the pain would pass quickly, but for me the pain was always there. I was hurt day by day, I lived with each lascivious moment. I succeeded in my career by my body.That was the shortest way for me to go up in this shabby job. So I was famous, famous in scandal,  succeed in pain. Where was my ex-boyfriend now? How was his son? I did not care anymore. Once pain to lifelong humiliation, that was too enough for me!


I knew that there was a man loved me so much, not only by amorous eyes but also with his whole heart. He loves me quietly and silently. But I was dirty and he was clean, therefore I did not want to stain on him. Although I accept his love, there was a long distance between his life and my life.

4. Go away or stay
I just want to her to follow me, but she seems to be watching, let me go without retaining. Her eyes were wild, but her heart has petrified herself. My girlfriend is an actress and actress was not owned by anyone.

I was just a photographer, who caught the moment of a bitter young girl and shot it. I wanted to keep in my heart the fullest moments of the girl I loved. That painful look, those soft weak teardrops. The life did not allow me to see her earlier, at a better time, I regretted never been seen her smile in my life. A final letter and I left. I knew if I went away, she would stay alone is cold, but if I stayed I was even lonelier. I was weak, I loved so much. Because I loved her so much, so ...

"Serene like you,
  Serene like me.
  Staying in cold,
  Painfully, dream could not come true."