Do you love me forever?

Note: There are several elements not suitable for people under 17 years old. Readers should consider when reading.

Hanoi, 19 February 2010

That day was Christmas, a day with biting winds. The trees looked like frozen, and the winds looked like breathless. Everything seemed to roll in warm shells to shirk far away from the cold air of winter. That Christmas was also similar to the Christmas of the years before, I stayed at home, prepared some gifts and would send them after the Christmas. I was interested in sending gifts, but going out on a cold night that makes me scared. With the weather like this, I always feel sad - extremely sad. Maybe in the past few years, I often lost something. Loosing something? I did not know. Nah! Maybe some important relations. I did not know how to evaluate their importance to me. Maybe not enough, because they only brought to me the negativities, never seen any positives from them before. 

The day you left me, Hanoi seemed to set off the sun,
The noisy streets were chilly that made them grey.
The winds sang the sad songs unceasingly,
The tears turned into rain that penetrated her heart.

1. The first Christmas - The Fuming Café
- "I love you forever!"
- "Promise?"
- "I never lie a girl!"

The winds blew through my face that made me sleepy, I leaned on him and listened to Tristess Amour music, in a warm coffee shop. I felt happy all "forever" times which he talked to me repeatedly. We had loved each other for three years, not all times he made me laugh, but he was always sweet and gentle. Although I cried sometimes, it helped me in feeling relieved and forgot his mistakes quickly. I loved Mozart, loved classical music, loved the elegant sound of a piano, loved tunable things,... and I loved him because of his gentleness - like a wind. 

A month before Christmas, I learned to knit a scarf diligently, the needles were pierced in wrong ways made me injure. What a difficult work! But I tried my best to knit a scarf as a gift for him and wanted him to feel the warmth from my hands. Had to be familiar with knitting in a long time, and also had to waste this long to complete a scarf. "Uhm. It is not so nice!". However, I was still proud of myself. A very cute gift box which involved lots of love I sent to my boyfriend. It was not only my love but also my glorious effort during the whole month of my "absorbed working". Think about it, I laughed suddenly for my childishness. Had loved him for three years, but he often absent, only that year I was near him, so the gift had to be well prepared, didn't it? 

I came to the coffee shop that I and he often visited, gleefully, I waited for him there. How many hours I waited at that day? I did not know. I only remember on that Christmas, it was rain, it was extremely cold, and I was as wet as a duck, then was sick during the two weeks after that. He did come and I never could meet him anymore. Not because he passed away, in my heart his image was broken. If it had been a late appointment, I would have been sad in two days and it would be finished. If it had been a "forgetfulness", I would have been sad in two weeks because of his inattention. If it had been ... But so sad, he was not late, he also did not forget; he just did not want to come to me. He was "busy with his partner".

I never thought my boyfriend could be in bed with a different girl, when I was waiting for him with happiness and with a gift that I thought would bring my warmth for him, just my thinking. Although had loved him for three years, I still did not have enough confidence to consecrate my virginity. I felt I was too young to meet the thing that called "demand". I was wondering, nagged at myself when I knew this that: "Maybe I was not ready, he could do that in a hurry?". That night, he was satisfied by a girl, who was beautiful and knew how to pampered him, more than me. Sex was a wonderful gift, more than my rustic woolen scarf that I tried my best with some blood. But I still had to send it to him because it belonged to him. The scarf that when I knitted it, I thought about his smile. I sent to him the scarf, accompanied with a piece of paper and some scrawl words: "Do you love me forever?".

Forever and only one
I miss you
I kiss you
Yes, Once again

A cold Christmas passed, left a deep wound in my heart. I did not want to remember my naive anymore. Each time when I am listening to the classical whimper of a piano somewhere and enjoying a fuming cup of coffee in winter, I remember he and that super wet Christmas I met in my life.

2. The second Christmas - A no-end-point-road
So horrible what I passed
The following day I would still cry
How could I face him?
He lied me

On September of the next year, I started a new love, a new man. He really treated me well but I was still wary of him. I expected on the first love very much ... it was broken up with a shattering ... How dare I believed him naively?

Loved him, I did not come to the fuming café to listen to the melodious Mozart music that was from an antique disc player anymore.

Loved him, I visited his place, listened and swallowed each fret, the tunable piano sound that vibrated when his fingers glance smoothly and sweetly. Yet, I had listened to Trites Amour, the sad music that I had loved billion years ago, from a musician who had a full of melancholy. Did I listen to receive the sadness or learn from that sadness? I was not sure.

He loved Beethoven more than Mozart, he loved Sonata 14, but he still indulged my preference, played a sad-love-song. He told me that we would not have a sad love because he loved me a lot ... meaning there would be a happy chorus and a happy ending. He would love me forever, loved until one or both of us stopped breathing. I understood the love of an artist. I understood the love of a man like him, it came very fast but also went out rapidly. Counting to that Christmas, we had loved each other for three months - "number three". He wanted to change that three-month-anniversary to the Christmas as a special occasion for us. He liked the lover-atmosphere of the day like this.

Eight p.m, he met me at my home then picked me up. Sat in his car, I saw his chuckle that made me confused and panics a little bit. I suddenly remembered the Christmas one year before, and the rain sound backed on my mind, then I felt cold to my bone. I shrunk, though, and kept silence. Where would he pick me up?

A suburban villa,  lonely and far away from the city center. I startled when he patted my shoulder.

We entered the villa, everything was super luxurious and shiny. He invited me a juice, then approached the piano, played a strange music that I never heard before, I only knew it was so sweet. He gave me a smile: "It is only for you!". That romance scared me and made me anxious, I did not prepare anything for him, even a small gift. He came near me, I never was quivered like that moment, I scared, I worried when I knew that man was going to kiss me. He was so sweet but I only wanted to push him away from me. He said: "I love you forever!", then hugged me so tight. I was fallen to the sofa and felt a weight on my body. I stirred as seemed as I wanted to get rid of there, I could not hear any his sweer words. But he still hugged me down tightly, then I cried. "You said you loved me forever" - I said that in an unconscious, then used as much power as possible to escape and ran away from him and his villa. I heard he was calling me, I heard his footsteps chasing me, I heard his apologies.

I ran as fast as one of my legs could carry the other one. I ran into the darkness, even I could not see the road forehead and did not know where that place was. The road like had no ending point and I just ran non-stop although I did not know where I would stop. That was the last thing which I remembered about that day.

We did not meet each other (after that day) anymore. The luxury villa, pieces of music,  he, and the long road ... forever ... disappeared from my life forever.

Man is always an abstract question for me. What does he want when he comes to me? Maybe the lust is the answer? I do not know.

3. The third Christmas - The broken gift  
On November of the following year, I had a new boyfriend. Seemed his instinct, he came to me when I was unhappy and lonely. He was not only romantic but also not a subtle man. I did not love him!

With him, I would "enjoy" the cold winds to numbness on his motorbike, not enjoyed the warmth in a coffee shop with Mozart, Beethoven, or Vivaldi music. He did not know who they were, he also did not care about me much. I often felt as a lack of affection. Sometimes I felt self-pity and wanted to cry out loud. Suddenly, I seemed to fell in love with him when I did not know. Loved him, therefore, wanted to be cared and taken care of by him. Although anyone said he did not love me, I just knew that and so did he. That was too enough.

We did the on-bed-activity at the second week of our love. I did not know why I did that and did not know if I regretted that or not? I only remembered I was very hurt. He asked me when I was curled up because of pain and shame that why mine did not bleed.

I was stiff and haggard a little bit. He gave me a smile and put his arms around me: "I love you so much, silly girl!". I laid my back on him and grabbed his hands tightly: "Do you love me forever?".

Our love met a lot of storms, although I tried my best to care and look after our love. However, everything seemed not easy; he often got upset when I made mistakes. Sometimes he reproached me, but sometimes he left me alone.

That Christmas, I waited for a fresh start. I wanted to fall into his lap and be hugged by his hands, to received his warmth and felt so happy, every pain was passed and he would heal everything. There were not the sounds of Mozart music, the sounds of a piano that resounded in hopeless; but that Christmas, there would be his hands which for only me, made me warm and happy.

Two days before the Christmas, we had a heated argument. Although I called him and followed him, he quitted aggressively and left me there. He avoided me and did not want to meet me. In the evening of that Christmas, I vomited violently. I texted him, but no response; then I called him, but he hung up. To be disappointed, I went out and walked lonely in a frozen Christmas. Standing in the Church, looked at the God statue, I cried. I was the only person who cried at that happy winter night.

The day after, he still did not get touch with me, meanwhile, I could not eat anything because I continued to vomit violently. I texted him again to let him know an extremely important thing. Once again, he still did not reply me. I was hospitalized and stayed there many days because of vomiting. After discharged from the hospital, I never met him anymore. Were the men often ungrateful? Did not need to be definitive, they seemed to forget women automatically. I stood under the winter and laughed as a crazy woman.

That was it! That was the life! I could not believe the "forever" things anymore. If they had just happened, they would be so sweet, they would be "forever". I clutched my love memories, wanted to throw them so far away, then laughed delightedly. I lost all, everything was so far away from me. Where was true love?

"Do you love me forever?" - Such a painful question for me!